A few weeks ago I met up for a girl date with one of my friends. We caught up at a local brewery over beers, baked brie and what else…salad. After covering every topic imaginable, she asks me if I’ve heard of this new dating app? I’m quite sure I looked terrified. “A dating app?,” I thought, “What kind of craziness is this?!”
Before I continue, perhaps there’s something you should know about me: I do not believe in on-line dating. I mean, if it works for you, great, but I’m the sort of girl who is social enough to met any and all walks of life out in their natural habitat. My future significant other doesn’t have to get social media, understand my inconsistent work schedule or know how to cleverly use an Emoji, however, he will have to be a living breathing person, in the flesh. This whole on-line profile thing is so not organic to me and frankly, it creeps me out. That being said, even the idea of a phone app turns me off. (See what I did there?)
Nevertheless, I allowed my friend, who seemed so keen on the idea of showing me, to make me a profile and instantly there was an array of men for me to flip through. Literally.
As we flicked and marked each individual guy (with green hearts or red x’s), I began to notice just how similar it was to shopping on my phone. Once loaded, the app shows you a picture with a name and an age. You can filter results by selecting your gender and your gender of interest. You can also refine the results by narrowing the distance filter between you and your potential matches. The trick with this method is that its connected to your Facebook pictures but completely anonymous unless a match ‘likes’ you back at which point the ever-seductive exchange of awkward “hey”‘s ensues.
So welcome to Tinder ladies and gentlemen. Before you get started, I’d like to give you a few pointers on how to use this app:
1.If you are a guy, I would recommend changing your picture to one of you not with your hot older sister. While I am smart enough to know you have the same jawline and cool blue eyes, other girls may not notice this and think she’s your girlfriend. An all around confusing situation…
2.Please ensure your face is easily visible. When its clear that the picture is of you (because you ever-so-sloppily cropped out your buddies’ faces and arms), the fact that your head is turned and your cell phone (see also: hockey mask) covers most of what is visible is hardly a good way for anyone to get a good look at you. Stop wasting everyone’s time and show us what you’re working with!
3.Put some work into you profile page. Look, its doesn’t need to be long or especially witty. In fact, less is more but if you want someone to be interested, having “URI ’13” doesn’t really give us a whole lot to go on. The “Shared Interests” section is helpful but if the point of this is to thoroughly judge you before I decide to take that extra step and message you, having little more than your high school senior quote isn’t all that useful for me.
4.Stop posing with alcohol. Just stop. I’m glad you had a great time at Foxwoods with your bros and all those buckets of Heineken but I’m starting to think that its all you do. (P.S. 2006 called and it wants its popped collars back…)
5.If you are a model…good for you. This isn’t MySpace. Put your shirt down.
So there you have it, my first foray into app dating. Will I keep my profile for something to do when the Green Line is running behind and I’ve already gone through my Twitter feed? Probably, but it doesn’t mean I’m actively seeking to strike up some sort of techno-romance here. I’m still as terrified as ever of internet dating so until I get over that fear, catch me at one of my favorite spots anywhere in the city. Until then….